Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
You Might Also Like
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
It’s funny to me when someone obviously just learned a new word. My friend said “penultimate” like 3 times tonight. A plethora of times. Like, an absolute plethora. He kept saying it too, making an even bigger plethora.
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
Going from summer clothes to winter clothes: Ok.
Going from winter clothes to summer clothes: I AM NOT READY.
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
Working in fungus identification is really dull. Every day it’s just say mould, say mould…
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
being hungover on weekends is inefficient, you should wake up early on weekends and live your life. you should only drink heavily on weeknights so you can recover from your hangovers while on the clock at work
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.