Airports should have tattoo parlors for those of us with long layovers and poor impulse control
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i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
a McRib killed my tapeworm
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
My daughter sat beside me on the bed with a granola bar, so I’m gonna get back at her by eating powdered donuts in hers.
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
#CatsOnTwitter
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
The whole “Hugs, Not Drugs” campaign was so stupid because, back when I did drugs, I can assure you, there was so much hugging going on…
More professions should have fantasy betting. One sec, babe. Gotta set my fantasy county commissioner lineup,
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
