Airports should have tattoo parlors for those of us with long layovers and poor impulse control
You Might Also Like
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
Word.
~ Microsoft.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
Finally, a door that understands me
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.