Airports should have tattoo parlors for those of us with long layovers and poor impulse control
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My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
my daughter just announced to me her favorite subject is math & I’m totally aghast.
girl, there are not FIVE degrees in English literature between your parents for you to like math. please.
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
boss caught me photoshopping sir patrick stewart in different wigs so a visit to hr is probably on the horizon
why do men always think “looking for fun” means sex ? Wat if i want us to draw
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want