Airports should have tattoo parlors for those of us with long layovers and poor impulse control
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Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
My teenage sons are basically the Stormtroopers of urination.
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?