Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’

anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!

The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.

(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law

Freezing cake does not impede eating.

Stiff calories are still delicious.

Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.

My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy

Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?

I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.

There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.

My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.

3-year-old: I need a scarf.

Me: No, you don’t.

3: To tie up bad guys.

She needs a scarf.

Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.

me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth

teacher: it’s already called a vulture

Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.

I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.

Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.

It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.

Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.

Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.

If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.

The pediatrician: What do you eat at your house?
My 5yo: MOSTLY NACHOS
Me: I mean, that’s not ALL we eat, hon.
5yo: YOU ARE RIGHT. WE ALSO EAT COSTCO PIZZA

Therapist: How are you feeling?

Me: Rage

Therapist: What is bringing you rage?

Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.

Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?

If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR

*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*

All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit

MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.

Baffled by bra hooks.

Got in the car and my 6yo greeted me with “well, well, well, look who’s here.”

This is the only greeting I’ll be accepting from now on.

The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.

6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker

Sweet. Free refrigerators!