Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?

-Me at work talking to guests.

My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?

Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals

Sometimes autocorrect totally has my back, and other times I type “rbis” instead of “this”, and my phone is like “Nah I’m gonna leave it, she’s good”

Mmmm canned fish.

FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex

ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that

Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.

Doctor: Are you sexually active?

Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!

Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?

Me: All the time

13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline

Where do bad rainbows go?

To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14

people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.

Me (who lives alone): ok who ate all the almond butter

I come from a long line of successful people.

I decided to stop that tradition.

[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?

[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?

Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.

Note for writers:

If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.

whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know

Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.

Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?

“I don’t know, how would I know?”

GF: I’m pregnant!

“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”

[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet

Overheard a baby crying in the grocery store the other day so I went over and joined him. I get it little dude, life is hard

the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no

When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?

I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.

Sorry, I’m afraid “Hillbilly Elegy” has 62 holds on it. What that means is 62 other people will need to not read it before you get the chance to check it out and not read it.

PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture

“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people

[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park

the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.

My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.