Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo

Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit

MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!

I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.

The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?

[the city, seeing a marching band]

DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?

ME: i’m 6

“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”

1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows

My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.

I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.

Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes

Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.

the short answer to this question

If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.

I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…

Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.

A fight or flight situation.

Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.

Weirdos gonna weird.

[commercial for IKEA]

Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?

Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines

Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040

To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰

professor x: whats your superpower

ostrich: i lay big egg

professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast

ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale

When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”

My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”

Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap

4-year-old: I am

Me: Then why are you standing here?

4-year-old:

Me:

4-year-old: This is a dream

HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes

Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.

I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.