AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
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Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
Had a picnic and got bitten by every insect known to man. Except for a lady bug, she just sat on my forehead and took a shit.
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
Planet of the Apps.
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
starting a new competition called Bad Olympics where you’re not allowed to compete if you have any sort of natural advantage that makes you good at a sport
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.