AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
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My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
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