AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
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Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
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The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
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Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
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Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
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Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
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Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
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My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
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[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.