Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”

5 ways I am superior to a horse:

1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM

Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes

I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?

*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.

*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*

Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat

So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.

Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.

My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.

I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.

British people be like “it’s chewsday innit “

*cough*

Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA

Natives: actually it’s no-

C: HI INDIANS

N: no see, we are nowhere near-

C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD

“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”

ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…

I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.

Beauty and the Beast

Never really believed in god before but earlier today I was in the ladies room with a coworker and just about to start talking shit about my boss but then inexplicable stopped myself seconds before said boss walked in, feeling absolutely blessed

I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.

MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh

Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.

My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.

Son: Can we go to the beach?

Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.

They were playing soft rock in the bank earlier so I called it ‘Debt Metal’ lol and then the teller stabbed me in the hand with her pen.

If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.

Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.

my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh

I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.

Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.