Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero

Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.

Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.

Metabolism:

Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”

If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.

doctor: what seems to be the problem

me: it seems like u should be telling me

Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?

The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses

7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?

Me: Is it already—

7: It’s already on my finger, yes.

People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”

Cop: Why are you speeding?

Me: I’m super late for work

Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down

Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work

[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”

Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”

Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”

Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.

[2 minutes later]

*house is on fire*

Me: I’d like a neck tattoo

Tattoo artist: okay, of what?

Me: I just told you

Tattoo artist:

Me: on my forearm

Me: what do want for your birthday

Friend: just a gift card or some shit

Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it

My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white

You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.

Everyone: Please

The most accurate map ever devised.

[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this

I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.

(you can unfollow me at anytime)

It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life

Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle

Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.

I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.

[dies and goes to hell]

Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake

Me: oh thank god-

Satan: you should be in super hell

Me: oh no

I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.

[first date]

HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.

ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.

My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”

Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)

#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu

Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.

Them:

Me: damn I picked a good spot.