“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
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[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
My 7yo asked “why doesn’t mommy eat ice cream?” And my husband and I laughed and laughed and laughed because every night after the kids go to sleep I eat a giant mug full of ice cream.
This was the very first time she’s appeared to be impressed by me.
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
Oops 🤭
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
An escape room, but it’s just your high school reunion.
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*