“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
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A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
“Someone should really clean these gutters,” I say out loud, having lived alone for a decade.
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
mariah carrie
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.