“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
You Might Also Like
Apparently there is a bird fight club who holds their meetings outside my window at about 5am
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
True
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
A Brady Bunch prequel, but it’s a dark Netflix series about what really happened to Mike and Carol’s first spouses.
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?