Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency

Me: I’m being held prisoner

Dispatch: Do they have weapons?

Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords

Dispatch: Umm ok

Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks

Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children

Me: …….Maybe.

Dispatch: 5th one today

My pics are real.

I don’t use any filters.

I don’t even use coffee filters.

I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man

Me: my tooth hurts when I suck

Dentist: so you’re in constant pain

Boss: Are you high?

Me: If I was high could I do this?

*teleports two inches to the right*

If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.

you are so beautiful without makeup.

-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.

Plot twist-
Maury is the father.

I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.

Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!

My wife: Yeah, like his dad

Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*

friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid

me: wow, that’s hardcore

Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?

I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.

Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”

Pumpkin spice season comes earlier every year and yet some still deny climate change.

Met a hot girl in the bar.

She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.

Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro

me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?

court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here

You: I got a headache.

WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.

First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol

First night as a vampire hunter: oh no

Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks

*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother

Passwords are more important than ever.

Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.

How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.

“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.

Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap

Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.

alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?

alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death

alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible

Detective: Don’t leave town.

Me, thinking about gas money: Ok

[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”