“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
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doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
My dad told us with complete confidence and authority that cake batter was dangerous to kids but not adults and we watched him lick the beaters for *years* before questioning how exactly that worked.
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
True
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
“Square up your hips.”
“Alright.”
“Your elbows need to come up.”
“Is all this really necessary?”
“Have you seen the news?”
“No.”
“They’re coming for us, Sid.”
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical