“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
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My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
a kindergarten class was at the library on a field trip along with the normal morning baby/toddler crowd and i looked over to see some kids petting one of the babies on the head like a dog. the teacher was like “that’s not your baby!!! leave that baby alone!!!”
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
#NeverForget
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
I’m sorry…what?
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”