Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.

The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.

If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…

Never, ever, play dead.

My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.

What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃

ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?

WIFE: Your crocs are melting.

*slams a five on the counter*

“Bartender! Give me another!”

*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*

Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.

6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.

Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!

Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.

‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.

Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.

[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit

shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs

☠️

Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.

today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower

Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent

Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc

If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.

Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.

So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.

It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?

I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth

My husband, on the phone to social security administration to report that they still have not recorded his mother’s death (more than a year ago) and are still sending ss checks–

–SS phone lady says: so are you reporting your own death?

–Hubs says: ….No… I’m alive.

😬

At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.

me: how can I seem confident on my date?

friend: act like you own the place

[later]

her: thanks for picking me up

me: where’s the rent

[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?

Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.

You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.

A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza

Me: Dishwasher’s broken.

16: I’m sorry.

Me: Did you break it?

16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”

Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.