Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[playing 7 minutes in heaven]

doctor: ok lol plug him back in now

Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…

Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying

Him: I’d like to order a medium pepperoni pizza . Will it be long?

Me: No Sir it will be round

“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow

me: *gets something in my eye*

brain: put your finger in there too

When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.

why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?

Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze

Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.

Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower

Guy: But-

Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave

Guy: *Drives away*

Woverine: Oh no you didnt!

Do not go gentle into that good night,

Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.

I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.

People who talk to themselves tend to be great lovers.
Did you know that?
Yes, I did know that.
Thank you for asking.

I’d rather go liquor treating.

[home depot]

employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE

me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT

me: what does that cloud look like to you?

her: please just open the parachute

If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.

*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*

*grabs whip*

*flicks whip*

*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*

For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”

I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.

it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos

My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.

laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.

Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders

“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”

“Yes. Get out!”

[God creating armadillos]

Shove that mouse into a seashell

The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.

Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.

8, who does gymnastics: she had a little wobble on the beam

The announcer, 5 seconds later: little wobble there

Me, always: what wobble?