Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
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Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*