Aladdin: š¶I can show you the world-
me: Iām cold this is boring
You Might Also Like
Husband called to me tonight, āWhatāre you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.ā
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
Nothing angers me more than tall ghosts in horror movies. No one born in 1782 was that tall. Do your research, screenwriters.
Answers phone, makes modem noisesā¦
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
Guys, Iāve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. Itās like Iām some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to youā¦
6: are snakes just neck?
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I wonāt need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isnāt even a DJ
Canāt trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
Hey microwaves that make me hit a ātimeā button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
My mind has been wandering so long, weāre pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I donāt eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, āhow much would a new toilet cost?ā
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
Hey honey, wanna role play?
Iāll be Dexter.
My 3 year old told me I wasnāt allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If Iām honest, ābladder vs 3 year oldā will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think Iām ready for
Yāall will never guess what her husband bought her. Iām hollering!!
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? Thatās not real.
10yo: Now youāre in doubt!
Me: Butā¦
10yo: ALBATROUT
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who arenāt getting that parking space. Hang on.
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. Heās like āBecause I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframeā.
I saw my shadow today. You wonāt see that on the evening news because Iām not a stupid fuzzy animal
Lesson learned: toddlers donāt understand sarcasm. As a side note, donāt say ābite meā around toddlers that donāt understand sarcasm
The best call ever would be āHey, itās me!ā, but from your dogā¦
Because:
1. Aww your dogās calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. š
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.