Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
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A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you