Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place

Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard

Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.

Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd

I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.

Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*

Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911

If reports from this daisy are accurate, she loves me not.

*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*

I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever

Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol

how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row

Did the Bermuda Triangle just stop working one day? Why does no one spontaneously combust anymore? What happened to all the quicksand???

Partner: I’m breaking up with you

Me: Oh why?

Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird

Me: Oh. I see. OK

* has cake for breakfast

* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber

* blames running shoes

There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want

Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?

My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes

Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!

Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.

[First date]

HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants

ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT

Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*

My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”

I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.

I win.

My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.

the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes

I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.

The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old

Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked

sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze

this has to be peak English

PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet

[i look out the window]

[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]

ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98

ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me

By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.