Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
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[mom from other room] WTF KYLE

Vader: Join the dark side!

Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?

Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.

Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!

A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth

gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere

If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you

I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.

I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.

Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?

ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!

doctor: do you use recreational drugs?

me: no

doctor: you don’t have to lie to me

me: yeah i know, but i like to

My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.

There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s

Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.

Him: That was one time.

Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?

Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg

Hitman: This is a photo of you

Me: My wife wants me to try zumba

*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.

Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.

A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”

INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body

[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]

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Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*

Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.

The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.

[God creating octopus]

Angel: We’re outta teeth. You gave too many to the sharks

God: Crap. What’s left?

A: ink & suction cups

G: Hmmm..

Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”

I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.

In the past, people had to eat lawn clippings and drink boiling water separately. The invention of tea bags was a big time saver.

When you pick your nose after dusting the house

I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.

If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.