Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.

her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?

me: *making airplane noises* why

CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d

i was dropped as an adult

There are four main food groups:

1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried

Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.

Me: When can you operate?

*lighting a candle*

Doctor: When we find you a new liver.

Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.

I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.

u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question

target is planning to open full bars in their stores. my wife will never come home now.

POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”

Please. My wife. She’s very sick.

I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?

Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.

I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.

Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”

Me: “No thank you.”

Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”

Me: “I’m in.”

My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..

Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.

Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?

Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.

Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!

Me: Have you ever had an accident?

Her: No, I’m on the pill.

Me: (Sigh)

Good news! I only ate one slice of pizza. Bad news: I did that four times in a row.

“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.

🫡

ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear

*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!

*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good

Tonight, Joe Biden’s press conference is make or break. Everyone will be tuned in. It’s all anyone will be paying attention to. So it’s the perfect moment.

I’m going to steal the Declaration of Independence.