Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.

I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.

You’re telling me this life crisis is mid

My apartment is a mess, I should move

Date: I’m a vegan.

Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.

he chose this

Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?

Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*

*i did

Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses

do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like

[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]

[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]

FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?

ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.

this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in

[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”

I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?

Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts

The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person

Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.

Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”

Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body

8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.

Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.

8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?

Me: Ask your mom.

11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”

Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.

[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.

DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*

officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football

detective: for crying out loud!

officer: most likely yes

Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.

2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.

yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses

Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it

There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.

how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before

“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset