aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
You Might Also Like
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
I have so many questions.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that