Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Love it! 👍😂

Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.

Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.

Me: I need to get something off my chest

My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME

You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.

I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.

Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one

You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.

If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.

“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”

HEY JALAPENOS!

Me doing the macarena dance

Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”

I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?

There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.

[man walks into a bar]

Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!

My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.

Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.

I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.

If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.

My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me

*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*

You cold, bro?

[ robbing grocery store ]

me: put the money in the bag

her: paper or plastic

a badder mouse

BRAAAAAIDS

-zombie sleepover

I stand by it

[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow

*takes selfie, sends to wife*

Wife: “No.”

*takes pants off*

*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*

*takes selfie, sends to wife*

Me: Im still mad at you for last night

Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous

Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are

ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…