Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day

Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.

But it was hollow. And white chocolate.

You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”

Just once, I’d like to have a fully baked idea.

I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)

I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it

When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.

When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.

*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in this

Nurse: you’re not a patient here

In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???

I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….

*checks notes*

…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?

barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand

*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good

Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!

Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.

Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?

Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost

Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator

Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!

“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”

I got a job as a bullet

They fired me immediately

HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉

ME: *eats a fistful of bees*

Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…

I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.

It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.

[in bed]

Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you

my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?

Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.

My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.

goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up

Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.

When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.

HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?

ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?

HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?

ME: I love you.