ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
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Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
Text messages from my mum read like they are from a hit man.
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
My new favorite headline
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.