Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter

My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out

Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox

Wife: Aw that’s nice

[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich

How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?

I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.

I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.

*goes to bed at 5pm*

My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks

How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?

Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.

Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?

Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try

“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”

A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.

The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.

my sixth grade gifted program class had to do presentations on our favorite US presidents. i procrastinated until the due date and chose nixon last-minute because i thought his last name sounded cool. i discovered watergate halfway through making the powerpoint but held my ground

Why enunciation matters:

9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers

Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???

9yo: …BOXES!

he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other

#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther

MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bed

MY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport

PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture

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#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled

I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time

“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup

my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look

It feels like the right time to invest in the guillotine industry.

I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”

[michael jackson if he became an ER nurse instead of a singer]
annie? are you okay?
you’ve been hit by *flips page on chart*
you’ve been struck by… *flips next page*
a toyota corolla

[jungle]

Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.

Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.

It tastes nothing like bourbon btw