ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
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You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
who exactly are airport shops for? like imagine going oops, forgot to grab a prada bag and a rolex that I totally need for my flight
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
[relaxing in my hammock reading a book]
“Hey kids! We need to clean your rooms…come get me in 15 minutes.”
And that’s how you buy yourself a whole lotta peace and quiet😎
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.