Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
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Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
I got in trouble for taking pictures in a museum. They caught me with four paintings under my coat.
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
Boss thumbs up’d my despair like a stone cold gangster 💀
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit