Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
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Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
Dog owners: we did two years of research and carefully picked the most suitable breed
Cat owners: I took garbage out one night
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
Every reddit post is like “I’m sure this is totally normal, but my husband has cut off my head.”
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
The next time you’re hesitant to call or email your elected official because your issue doesn’t seem important enough…
Just remember how many times they texted you begging for $5