Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
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Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
My employer & colleagues all believe I am hard of hearing. I’m not. But it gets me out of having to engage in frivolous conversations & taking part in pointless hour-long meetings that could have been condensed into a 2 minute email. I get so much more work done as a “deaf” guy.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon