Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
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I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.