Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.

Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?

Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.

Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup

Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?

roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”

I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.

Thinking about that one comedy anime gag that always seemed to show up in the 2000s, I never knew what that was called

Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!

I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.

Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?

5: it was really loud

Me: loud?

5: yes because I screamed the whole time!

Me: pretty much any name can be unisex

My son Stephanie: I hate you dad

Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.

There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.

im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat

There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.

Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out

“I know exactly how you feel.”

*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman

I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.

Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads

If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.

I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day

Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”

I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.

*cough*

[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal

I propose we rename our seasons:

• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit

Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is

I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.