Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
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[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
I challenged a man who left his shopping trolley in the adjoining space and he replied “someone else will move it” before walking away. He was right, I did – and attached it to his driver’s side door with a cable tie
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
Called my mom to check on her and we wound up arguing over whether Shrek is Jewish
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what