Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
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Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
They’re not wrong
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
reduce, reuse, recycle
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.