[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
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Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.