Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
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ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
The good news is cannon deaths have gone down dramatically in the last hundred years.
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”