Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
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Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
My 8-year-old has a stuffed animal that smells good if you put it in the microwave and I feel like that’s teaching kids the wrong lesson
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess