Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
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Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Bloody internet 😳
…..pretty much.
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
That’s someone else’s problem.
-me, putting back a pen that wouldn’t write
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
When squirrels chase each other around a tree it reminds me of being at the mall in seventh grade.
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.