Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
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“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
My favorite part of Twisters was the throughline about the storm chasers being altruistic, ditching science to help people, like for instance telling them to go the opposite direction of the tornado, or find shelter, or “get down.” Where would these Oklahomans be without them
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
There is no “we” in pizza
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son