Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.

One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.

Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas

I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.

Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.

Me: welcome to my painting podcast

[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]

Me: it’s a mountain

If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.

Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.

I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.

However I die, I want my tombstone to say “Unknown Local Man Found Eaten By Squirrels.”

[Day 5]

GOD: What do you think?

ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.

I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.

Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.

[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.

INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich

Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket

Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!

Mom: *sends food emojis*

There will never be a perfect time. Make that mistake now.

Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan

An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.

JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.

A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.

{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?

Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.

“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.

I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.

Lunatics are gonna loon.

I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid

Anyway, thought of you

Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.