Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
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My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”