Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All I’m saying is the only team building exercise we had when I started working was called “Happy Hour.”

[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to

A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.

deleting my mental health to focus on social media

if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall

One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.

I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.

PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that

Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:

I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.

What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?

*meets someone from France*

I’m a big fan of your toast!

Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!

i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right

If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.

*opening a bag of chips*

Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library

Me: It’s my emotional support snack

Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.

Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!

Me: oh, very funny…

“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”

*the man grating parmesan stops*

“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”

I’M CRYINGGG

I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.

Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.

I hope this is the year Santa brings me a DNA testing kit so I can finally figure out which kid has been leaving all the glasses in the sink after I’ve cleaned the kitchen

My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere

GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.

ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.

I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.

And I think I’m winning.

So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.

My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.

honey, i think the milk’s gone bad

“i only bought it yesterday”

yeah well, look at this..

*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*

You can’t scare me; you’re not my credit card bill

Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?

Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.