Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
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Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.