Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
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Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
Her: “were you thinking about me?”
Me: “of course”
My brain: *I don’t think i’ve ever pronounced “croissant” the same way twice, in my life
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.