Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
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Apparently, this is how the world ends.
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
think about how many more lovers you’d have if a cross country high speed rail system existed. thats what they are taking away from you
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
[eats all your cotton candy]
Why do people brag about how little sleep they get?
“Yeah I only get like 3 or 4 hours a night”
Cool man, I guess I’ll just… continue having a better life than yours
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
🔥🔥
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!