Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
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Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
This guy gets it.
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
I have this condition that means I have to vacuum my house daily.
Friend: Oh, OCD?
Me: Children.
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
‘god is not a potato’ is one of those phrases that is going to live rent free in my head forever. and i’m not mad about it
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.