Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
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The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
long distance relationships can work if the 4 of you all truly trust each other.
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*