Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
You Might Also Like
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
I really miss my family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
I got a cease and desist letter from a Venezuelan gang because one of them saw me throwing signs at the botanical gardens the other day.
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor