Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win

Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL

me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag

Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.

I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.

Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….

“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games

Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.

Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.

ㅤ

If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.

*third date, back at my place*

me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!

Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero

THEM: “Dress for the job you want, not the one you have.”

ALSO THEM: “The samurai sword violates our office health and safety rules.”

I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.

*gets on knees and undoes your belt*

Love is in the air fryer.

[1st date]

[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor

Her: “How’s your meal?”

[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]

Eating for two.

can anyone recommend some good behaviours for someone who just started behaving

Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.

I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!

Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES

Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.

my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile

😬

Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.

Know your sleep disorders!

Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.

Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.

Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.

Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.

It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.

I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.