@capricecrane

Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?

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@Gentlemenhood

Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.

@TheBoydP

Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…

@mydmac

According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.

@VeryLonelyLuke

Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.

I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.

@Reverend_Scott

Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns

Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me

@jazmasta

Been flirting with this hot chick in this bar for almost a hour now. It’s only a matter of time now till nothing sexual happens whatsoever.

@Skoog

mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff

me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?

mom:

me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?

@Book_Krazy

Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.

@Home_Halfway

GOD: [continuing to make humans] Make some of them think running is fun

ANGEL: This is just sick, I can’t watch this

@ZachWeiner

“How do you speak with an American accent?”

“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”