Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
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Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
Been flirting with this hot chick in this bar for almost a hour now. It’s only a matter of time now till nothing sexual happens whatsoever.
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
GOD: [continuing to make humans] Make some of them think running is fun
ANGEL: This is just sick, I can’t watch this
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”