Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
You Might Also Like
I love twitter
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
Happy birthday to all the women
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
I’ll be honest. I can’t solve your problems. What I can do is create new, bigger problems that will make your current problems seem quaint by comparison.
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
Jeans are once again asking too much of me.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind