Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
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“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
The opposite of goth is stopth.
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
my wife keeps complaining about me leaving my stuff around the house. It’s like she doesn’t even know how feng shui works.
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
Stages of helping your kids with a project:
1. Ok first off, when is it due?
2. Wait, WHAT??