Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?

Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?

Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.

A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.

astonishing that every day people wake up and decide to have a go in the menswear guy replies. “I’m gonna put this guy in his place.” no you’re not. you’re a henchman breaking into John Wick’s home. you’ve made bad life choices

[boarding a plane]

me: I’m nervous

steward: oh why?

me: *leans in for kiss*

if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups

I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.

[googles “camaflage spiders”]

-no results-

phew.

wait…

[googles “camouflage spiders”]

-11,345,453 results-

motherf

Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes

If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?

*pronounces surface like Versace*

“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again

This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am

me: so I just check out women all day?

grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that

Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.

just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back

ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*

HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you

ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this

I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly

[Riding carousel]

Her: um, we should move on

Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.

“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class

Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.

*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*

HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!

Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff

HECKLER: boooo

yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing

Couldn’t recommend it enough.

Wife: I just heard something downstairs.

Me: It’s just the wind.

Wife: Go and see.

Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.

Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!

Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?

Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.

I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.