Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Waiter: Can I see your ID?

Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.

Waiter: What would you like to drink?

I love when the restaurant bathroom has different music playing than the restaurant. It’s like I’m going to Club Pee Pee

So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!

I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?

I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle

Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.

*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*

Me: what?

deleting my mental health to focus on my social media

I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )

[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.

CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah

Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid

me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up

god: still me you didn’t click over

Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.

Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.

Someone put a scale in the office kitchenette with a sign up sheet for “new year new you” this is an act of terrorism and I will be engaging in hand to hand combat with them at noon today

Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch

Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat

me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad

6: what happened?!

me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point

After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this

Draw me like one of your French Fries.

my therapist asked me what i wanted to talk about for that session and i blurted out a human with robotic limbs is cool but a robot with human limbs would be absolutely terrifying

sleeping beauty

What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.

You wear a jacket when you’re cold.

You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.

#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes

Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.

haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho

My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.

Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy

Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”

*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*

I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.