Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup

Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”

People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it

Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.

Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!

People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”

Attending multiple open houses today… I’m going to walk into every empty room and ask “now does this come with the place?”

Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.

Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.

I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog

Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?

Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.

Inspirational tweet.

Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off

I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone

Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.

Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you

Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.

Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is

When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.

deleting my mental health to focus on social media

Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.

“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.

[At dinner with wife’s friends]

Me: may I chime in

Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-

*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*

Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.

*5 minutes later*

Okay I’m gonna need that back

If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.

I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question

Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.

Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.

I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .

[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]

Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.

Wife: You’re naked.

Me:

Wife:

Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.

Genie: what is your first wish

Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please

G: I’m a genie not a witch