Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.

46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.

I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats

A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.

My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.

Me: [Donating my body to science.]

Science: [Donating my body to Goodwill.]

So, lemme get this straight…

Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??

Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.

My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.

3 yr old: “At my next birthday will I go back to normal? Will I get littler again?”

Me: “no honey. Each birthday you get bigger. You’ll continue to grow. Isn’t that cool?!”

3 yr old: starts sobbing.

I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home

Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.

*deals poker hand*

peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]

everyone, at exactly the same time: fold

opening twitter today

I wish I could say it was the first time I’ve hidden in a dumpster.

Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.

BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail

Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy

I just had a near sex experience.

My wife flashed before my eyes.

90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.

Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before

Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.

[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?

Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT

[aliens dissecting humans]

alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol

alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it

alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this

What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”

him: does this pillow feel lumpy

me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me

“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.

I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️

I don’t think my car can fly

[phobia support group]

host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.

me: [tearing up]

host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?

me: tsunamis

*Goes to work*

*Punches clock*

*Gets fired for breaking clock*