Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol

GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?

ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao

G: Most people wish for world peace or money

ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental

G: Wow Max great work

watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth

I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.

Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am

Daughter-you awake?

Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?

Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.

“And we shall call it Kansas City”

Cuz it’s in Kansas?

“No it will be located in Missouri.”

What will we call the neighboring city across the river?

“Kansas City, Kansas”

ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?

geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot

the skeleton manning the ship inside of my brain is trying to push my brain out of my head and replace it with a rock. i might let him

Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.

At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”

She gets it..

Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you

Husband: well you’re here with me

Me: oh yeah

Husband: and we’re at a funeral

Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.

[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]

*you’re

Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.

mission: save the cat

obstacles: the cat

Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.

HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE

her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church

him: see you there

[at the church]

her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples

him: ahh fine

I’m sorry, but nothing is topping this 😭

Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.

I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it

As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left

over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy

Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.

It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.

I’m ready for another solo vacation across the pond. My wallet however says I’m not ready.

Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself

Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.

It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.

1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon

If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?

Asking for a friend.