Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?

Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.

Do you believe in life after love?

-Me as a Cher-apist

I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.

[stranded on Mars]

me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days

me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations

“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”

– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.

“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”

*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.

People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?

What if death gives you lemons?
What then??

My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.

bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah

turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁

can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant

Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.

All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.

If Rosanne Barr married Raymond Burr before divorcing him and going on to marry Roger Black, Meryl Streep, Derek Hough, Michelle Yeoh, Gok Wan then finally settling down with a toothed whale, her full surname would be Barr Burr Black Streep Hough Yeoh Wan Narwhal.

No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.

Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.

I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.

“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.

(Adobe CEO’s house)

Like the new couch hun?

Update it.

What about the wallpap…

UPDATE IT ALL.

You’re scaring the ki…

UPDATE THEM TOO…

I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.

Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.

[in hell]

ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad

SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—

ME: ugh

SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows

ME: UGH

[boiling pot]

Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off

ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like

ME: my mouth is all itchy

HER: were you in the attic again?

ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?

HER: I’ll speed dial poison control

trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter

I was an only child but still refer to myself as the good-looking one.