Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HR: Well?

Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot

HR:

Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye

HR:

Me: can I have my bra back?

Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.

My life is spiraling out of control.

You’re the water to my grease fire.

turning a backwards chair forwards and sitting down normally to let my students know I have no interest in relating to them

oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review

My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home

Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat

I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.

You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.

I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…

[first date]

Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.

every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?

I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”

my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely

I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.

My boyfriend is trying to teach me how to play dark souls right now and it feel like when your dad is trying to do your math homework with you while you cry at the kitchen table

ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.

GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired

🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!

“Sir, place ur order or hang up”

Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again

Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.

I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.

Me: It doesn’t have a tail, so I’m pretty sure it’s a hamster.

Tech support: *sigh*

Fine. Right click on your hamster…

People who say “no pun intended” are weak. Intend your puns, you coward

[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh

That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.

I was up all night reading about insomnia

I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.

art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face

picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?

Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?

My kids, after they’ve said they’re full, “but our dessert stomach is empty!”