Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.

Feels like there should be a middle ground

Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.

[At the gym]

My body: WTF

Me: I know

Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?

Me: No, this is how it is from now on.

Body: *charley horse*

Me: Well played, bitch… well played

Ion see the issue

Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.

I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today

Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.

Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!

I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer

Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish

Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*

Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home

Me: Holy shit

Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.

When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.

If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.

Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.

Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.

Wife: What’s going on?

Me: Updog

Wife: Oh not that joke again

Me: Just say it!

Wife: Fine, what’s updog?

Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house

Wife: Holy shit

if you watch Friday the 13th part 3 backwards, a hockey goalie heals murder victims by walking away from them.

Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything

This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead

I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol

No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.

[Sporting goods store]

Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out

I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.

People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”

MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.

“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.

So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.

Professor X: what’s your superpower?

Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met

Professor whatshisname: get out

Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.

Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.