Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger

Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”

I call my period Shark week.

I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere

Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*

Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*

Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time

If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.

Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time

Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.

I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.

Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”

Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”

Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.

I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.

henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back

Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?

MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo

I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary

I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work

I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.

[ day 2 of self quarantine ]

me: i’m bored

my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe

Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.

My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.

So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!

[watching Friends]

NIECE: I love this show

ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be

Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself

I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.

Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.

[interviewing babysitter]

me: how much do you charge?

ipad:

I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.

[hotel]

me: do you offer turndown service

concierge: sorry no

me: thank you

I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.

I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.