Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.

I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…

I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late

Husband: so are we self isolating now?

Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!

OMG you guys!! I have abs

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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.

Nobody:

Absolutely no one:

Not a single soul on this Earth:

Not even their mom:

iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”

[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.

It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal. 

My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.

Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.

[at church]

ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft

HER: omg put your pants back on

lumberjacks will cut a birch

I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.

[car accident]

Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!

Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?

– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.

Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants

I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:

1.) Tortilla chips

Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE

Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO

Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.

If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.

Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring

Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!

Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off

My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock

*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”

I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy

I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.

ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.

FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.

Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.

Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?

My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that