Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…

No, not the glass one.

I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.

[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]

“Ptequila, pthanks.”

The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke

Go to the liquor store and rescue and few bottles of wine, they need a living home too.

[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]

“what are you doing inside my house?”

[Amazon marketing emails]

‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*

‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*

‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*

‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*

*looks in mirror*

Hmm *—add to basket*

[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]

WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs

Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets

Always the camel, never the toe.

(to the tune of We Will Rock You)

I feed my dog dog food

Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.

Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐

And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣

*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*

neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*

[first time picking up the tab]

her: don’t forget to leave a tip

me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*

I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18

Cashier: your total comes to $59

Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice

All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.

literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”

3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.

I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.

The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.

jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.

media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.

colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.

Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.

How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.

I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up

Me: *tips the waiter*

Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*

Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes