Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth

anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench

So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.

accidentally clicking the spam button on someone you email regularly but being too lazy to undo it and seeing how it plays out

a haunted house but in every room someone is asking you to say a little something about yourself

Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next

“age is just a number” yeah the older i get the number i feel

Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.

“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”

my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders

I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”

A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible

Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know

Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.

– Dog Logic

5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?

Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?

Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers

In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.

I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game

don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay

*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*

Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—

*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*

For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar

“amateurs”

~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies

I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague

If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts

I’m like the mafia to my son.

He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.

I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.

The problem with parental controls is I need my kid to help me figure out how to set them up

Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat

sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings

Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t

There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house