Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
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Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
Pickled cat.
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
Two hundred and sixty two words is not a manifesto; I’ve written more than that about a good oil change
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
