Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
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[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
I ordered a hamburger today, but what I got was more of a beef wafer.
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
This lunch pairs well with watching 9 minutes of a tv show
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
😂😂😂
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
Teamwork makes the dream work.
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅