Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*

I love twitter

I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.

Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.

Him: Well, how’d you do that?

Me: I kept my mouth shut..

Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.

Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.

ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.

NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”

Helpful police officer reminded me he’s the one asking the questions.

Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?

Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.

Friend: Sounds awful.

Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.

Friend:

Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.

Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months

Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?

Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna

Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet

How to dress when you are a woman over forty:

1. Be a woman over forty

2. Put your clothes on

do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like

I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:

Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate

My kids are smart but sometimes they say dumb stuff like, “Mom why do you always buy the candy pack with Snickers when you’re the only one who likes them?”

My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing

leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles

Me: *sings bedtime song*

4: I like that song

Me: *Sing song again*

4: I didn’t say I wanted it again

Me: *Stops singing song*

4: Why did you stop singing

Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*

Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?

ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911

PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written

Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE

My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.

thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT

Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol

Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”

The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.

No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.

Me: I’m going to be late.

Boss, over the phone: What happened?!

Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.