Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
You Might Also Like
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
You can tickle the penguins
And get them to laugh
You can just sing a song
To amuse the giraffes
Just a little soft-shoe
Will delight the woodchucks
But try as you might
You can’t
Shout out to everyone who cooks at 180°C for 20 minutes, no matter what the instructions say.
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*