Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
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Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
I created you as mosquito food.
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally