Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.

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I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.


*watching an old Lassie show

Me: How come you can’t do those things?

Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.


Nature fact: The female cat gives birth to the body and head of her kittens separately and has to screw the head in like a lightbulb.


Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}


I took two years of anger management courses

Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores


when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good


If I was in StarWars I would probably just be that guy that keeps turning his lightsaber on and off and on and off like a pen.


Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.