Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.

It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?

convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”

Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.

It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”

When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”

My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.

my first day as a raccoon

Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect

Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point

I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.

I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits

Me to me: I’m pretty garbage

Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrong

Someone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing

When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me

smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4

the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard

Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”

Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”

Santa Claus isn’t real. Ain’t no man checking a list twice

Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.

Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.

[first date]

Him: Why are you being so distant?

Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?

Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife

Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy

A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.

Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.

He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.

CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.

Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.

*winks*

[flirting at Taco Bell]

Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.

[seconds later]

Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.

The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.

I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.

After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.