*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
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Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
shut up and take my money
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.