Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.

google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe

[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudges

Me: And how is my eraser?

Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life

Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.

my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”

Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.

Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.

About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent

Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time

“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”

Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.

magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*

interviewer: would u say ur driven

[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]

me: oh yes

rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight

“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”

-Marilyn Monroe

“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.

[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt

And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year

Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.

[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.

Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?

Human: we are an advanced species

A: how do you travel?

H: we light old dinosaurs on fire

4- I make a lot of noises when I poop

Me- that’s okay buddy we all do

4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night

[Terminator Academy]

Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.

Insecurminator: oh no!

Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.

My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.

Me: For Tina Turner?

My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.

[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]

*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go

[2 seconds later]

*lets go*

Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!

Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.

Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice

🤣🤣🤣