Alarms are for people without children or puppies
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Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
ill check the nooks. you get the crannies.
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
What about a To-Don’t List?
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
I don’t hate you I just wish your next period is in a shark tank
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful