Alarms are for people without children or puppies
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Can’t wait for the Olympics to start so the country can be on the same side again
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
these two trucks have the same bed length
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what