Alarms are for people without children or puppies
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Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.