“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
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When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
These 3D printers are insane!
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
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Starting your most incoherent sentence with “put simply” to deflect blame onto the reader