“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
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Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
AI is that friend who is always there for you but gives terrible advice.
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
monkey is a funny ass word and whoever named them that really killed it those things are monkeys for sure
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
I beg you to euthanise me
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house